The Small And Wonderful Things

I beat the beast. The beast was the scarf I was making for my mom for Christmas. I had been working on it for about two months. The detail, counting, and the smaller needles I was using, caused it to take a lot longer than I had anticipated and the week before Christmas had me in a panic trying to get it done. Being discouraged with slow progress had me putting it down at times to work on other quicker projects.

Then, my thought was I would make hats to match the scarves I made for each of my parents. My problem is that I knit very tight and haven't gotten accustomed yet to checking my gauge. So these hats are probably going to be gifts for kids because they are so small. My second attempt at each hat was much better. Here are the folks with their gifts.

Pops loved his set. He was elated that it was hand made by me.

Mom got a kick out of the fact that there were tiny pieces of animal hair. So the animals also contributed.

Christmas was very nice and relaxing at my parents house. I did feel bad though that they had way more for me than I had for them. It's hard to show your parents how much you love them, how much they mean to you, and how thankful you are for all they've done for you. But I have a feeling I gave them a little taste of that when they saw their gifts were handmade with love and a lot of time was put into them.

There was a very cute and funny moment that started off as a little irritating for me. I had put another present for my mom in the same box as as the scarf hat set. As soon as she saw the gift, she started laughing and getting excited more about that then the set. I started feeling offended that she appreciated the store bought item more than all my hard work. Well, at the end turns out she was so caught up on that because she had gotten me the same exact thing.

Like Mother...

...Like Daughter

Things You Learn From Losing Power In An Ice Storm

1) Your fish may die, or just freeze to the point that they're listless and you think they're dead.
2) Don't throw your fish out until you're sure they're dead. They don't like to be flushed when they're still alive.
3) Don't go grocery shopping the day before a storm, or leave the groceries in the yard so they don't go bad.
4) Grocery shop when the power comes back on or you'll starve since all your food went bad.
4) Two cats and a dog in the car are a bad combination if you have a headache.
5) Disconnect you're alarm or it will go off at weird hours when the power finally comes back.
6) You're house gets cold.
7) Putting a robe on, then donning a blanket doesn't make you move any faster when you're freezing.
8) When it's cold, you have to pee more.
9) Even though you use heating oil, that doesn't mean your furnace works.
10) Carbon monoxide detectors make a hideous sound when the battery is low.
11) An emergency flashlight that goes on when the power goes out will not last the night.
12) Don't pack in the dark.
13) You will forget to reset your timed lights.
14) Two cats and a dog with you at your parents house doesn't make for on time departures for work.
15) Two cats and a dog like to play games in the morning when you're running late for work.
16) An anti-social, highly neurotic cat will not come to you when you try to put them in their box.
17) That strange, guttural cry for "Mom" is your cat being in a strange place wanting to go home.
18) A twin bed is smaller that you remember it.
19) When the dog has the foot of the bed, and the cats have the pillow, the only part of a twin bed that's yours is the edge.
20) It's easy to fall out of a bed.
21) A hot house and an old dog who's bladder has shrunk is a bad, bad thing.
22) No matter how anyone else feels, if your dad is cold, then the heat will be turned up to 90.
23) When you finally get back home, nothing feels as good as being in your own bed and crowded out by two cats and a dog who want to get under the covers with you.

For Always

Tuesday started off fine. I was enjoying the day and the tunes in my car when I turned onto my street and it hit me. I was coming home, alone, to an empty house. I live alone because my husband is dead. The flood gates opened and the tidal wave of emotions came rushing in.

So my Wednesday started off bad. I wasn't interested in the lunch conversation with the girls at work, I hated being at work and trudged on through my tasks. But then I got a voicemail that cheered me up and made me sick to my stomach all in the same breath.

The monument company called to let me know that Jake's headstone had been placed. He didn't go all this time with an unmarked grave (I had a military marker placed at his feet) and some might think that this would be another depressing sign that he was gone. However, in my case it is a symbol of good that has come out of almost a year and a half of mourning, especially considering all the drama that was centered around this headstone - which I will not go into now.

This time of year now brings out the sadness in my life and this gift came at a time when I need it. Although I have come a long way from the darkness that was last year's holiday season, and to most I might appear to have a great deal of strength, I still have my moments of emotional breakdown where I wish this was all a horrible nightmare. So I look at this as a beautiful gift to my husband and a way to keep a piece of him around. I kept my promise to him and I hope he appreciates all the love that went into it.

The back - Jake's guitar, his hockey puck from his favorite team and Arlo.

Arlo will forever be with his daddy.

Sick, Sick, Sick

I am so tired of being sick its ridiculous. I have been sick three times in as many months. My saving grace this time is that I had already requested the time off from work.

Did I foresee the future and know that this week would be the week my nose would open like a faucet? Is it possible that I knew pressure would form over the bridge of my nose and shoot through my head exploding like buckshot embedding itself into the base of my skull? Perhaps I anticipated the phlegm lodging itself in my throat, causing me to choke with every breath I try to make. Maybe I believed this would be when the aches in my back would flare up.

No. The planner that I like to be actually anticipated being productive. Having not done anything for Christmas, and avoiding Black Friday like the plague, I planned on being off from work so that I could get some shopping done. With the exception of a few scarves that I have knitted, I have no idea what I am going to get anyone for the holiday. I would love to already have the shopping done by October, but funds would not allow that this year.

But low and behold, I am in bed. I'm not even in my own bed - well sort of. I had brought Arlo with me to my parents' house for Thanksgiving and left Baby Kitty and Mr. Anti-Social at home, checking on them once during the weekend. Then there was my Lil Cuz (teenage daughter of the cousin that was in the horrible car accident) visiting for the weekend, Craft Night on Monday, and having so much to pack up in order to get back home that sickness has found me in my old daybed, in a room that is a hodgepodge of what was once me and what is now office functionality for the folks.

I like to blame my current illness of Pretty Girl who I work with and who was sick with the flu last week. She came in to work on Monday, sounding like crap and really should probably have stayed home. The tickle in my throat and runny nose started that night while at Craft Night. However, I truely have a few people to blame. There are three people at work who are sick, includind Pretty Girl. Then my aunt was sick when she brough Lil Cuz over for the weekend, and when I made the trip to bring Lil Cuz back.

So although I want to be shopping or knitting, my pounding headache wants me to rest my head on a pillow. The throbbing over my eyes wants me to sleep. But my mind wants me to be active.

I Swear I Don't Smoke Crack

Last night was Monday Night Craft night. After a filling meal, my friend Geek (Rose's husband) went on the computer and showed the kids some funny cat videos. Then he found the latest trailer for the new Star Trek movie. That got the conversation geared towards more upcoming movies, and I started thinking about the movies that I would love to see. Shortly after, I continued my knitting as they turned on "The Last Samurai" - the Tom Cruise movie.

I don't share dreams that have significant meaning to me or that I feel compelled to search out their meaning in my life. However, last night was a completely different story.

This is my dream. ***Disclaimer: I don't know any of these people in real life.

I am on a vacation with Spiderman/Peter Parker. We travel to China with some friends. All of a sudden a volcano erupts, and of course Spidey has to save everyone. At one point, he has me in one arm as he web slings me through a cave and into the center of the earth. Through one of the caverns we see Godzilla and King Kong battling. He figures that the Kong has Godzilla where he needs him, so he doesn't enter that fight.

When we emerge from the bowels of earth, we emerge into another part of the world, or another part of China (I'm not sure) where things seem to be much quieter. So we hang out with our friends. But then some samurais burst onto the scene and everyone screams in terror. So once again, Spidey springs into action.

I just hang out with my pal Mary Jane Watson. She's not into guys - if you catch my drift - so I don't have to worry about her putting any moves onto Peter. Anyway, once Spiderman gets rid of the samurais, we head to a museum. This place is the size of a small city and houses not only art but also animals.

To our amazement, the Transformers arrive. The Decepticons have managed to find a way of not only transforming into machines, but also into animals. So we don't know which animals are animals and which ones are Decepticons. At this point, Peter isn't Spiderman for some reason. He's just Peter leading me and MJ through the Museum looking for none other than Optimus Prime and his crew.

Peter finally finds our man OP, who has managed to transform himself into an 84 year-old man who shuffles through the museum and looks more like a butler than our salvation. But in his "man" image, he is a biologist who has developed a way to determine the real animals - which have all been diseased by the Decepticons and act crazy - from the fakes.

But before he can help us out, Megatron (who somehow has come back from the dead - see the Transformers movie if you need an update) attacks. MJ and I are separated from Peter and OP. We run through equipment rooms with machines coming alive in front of us. All of a sudden Jazz shows up and starts "enlivening" machines for the good guys. He gives the two of us a ride while I call Peter on his cell trying to find him.

While driving around with Decepticons on our tail, we realize that for some reason the Decepticons cannot backtrack on the same path. Meaning, if they went one way down the street, they could go in the opposite direction but couldn't go the same way on that same stretch of the street. So, we start going down streets that end in cul-de-sacs. We dispatch the info to our friends. With Decepticons all over the place, stuck like statues where their streets turned into circles, the military comes through and bombs them all. When Peter takes me into his arms, I wake up with "What the F@#%" coming out of my mouth.

At work today I told my co-workers who was involved in my dream. In unison, they asked me what I smoked last night.

My Animals Are Lazy Bums

I think it's possible that my pets love weekends more than I do. At least this is the case for Mr. Anti-social. He is a complete Momma's Boy.

During the week, when my alarm goes off and I hit the snooze, he stretches his arm and paw over me as if to say "Don't go to the place. Stay here with me." Weekends afford him extra time to stay curled up next to me.

Baby Kitty does whatever her big brother does. She's my Chatty Kathy and will follow me around the house to talk to me, even into the bathroom. But on the weekend, she just like her brother will walk me back to the bedroom or the couch, if I happen to be elsewhere in the house.

Arlo is my crazy old man who is getting senile and thinks he's two. He loves sleep so much, he could do it anywhere. He just happens to prefer my bed or the couch. He has his own bed with a blanket that he ruts into at all hours of the night. In the mornings during the week, I have to leave tray tables on the couch so he doesn't lay on it and bury into it. But this doesn't always stop him. Somedays I come home and he's so knocked out on the couch that he doesn't stir until I'm in his sleepy face. What a watch dog!

This week was especially exhausting for me. The first part of the week had me up until very late each night. The end of the week had me falling asleep with knitting needles in my hand one night, and the computer mouse in my hand the other. No surprise that I took part of the weekend to catch up on sleep - much to the delight of my pets. This is what I saw when I woke up one time.

Mr. Anti-social is on my lap, Baby Kitty is alongside my legs and Arlo is at my feet.

The real funny thing is that they didn't stir when I grabbed the camera, turned it on, took several pictures, hooked up the camera to the computer and uploaded the pictures. Things would be so much simpler if we had lives as difficult as these three.

That Sound That Once Was And May Soon Be

My car radio has been acting up since the weekend. It turns on but the stations haven't been coming through. For the first few days, it had just been static. I love music and this was just torture for me since I was at my folks' and didn't have any CDs.

Then, the radio just mysteriously cleared up, but not for long. I would hit the seek button and after cycling through about 10 times, it might catch a station.

Stranger yet was today. When I got into the car this morning, there was no station and I couldn't get one until halfway through my commute. Then, when I left work, it was perfectly fine.

I was enjoying a great song from the eighties when I heard a strange sound. It wasn't scary, it wasn't something to be worried about. I shockingly enjoyed it. It was the sound of me singing to the music. There were no choking sobbing sounds that accompany the tunes of a song that meant something to Jake and myself or reminds me of him. It was a sound that I used to hear everyday, but haven't heard since the day he left this world.

Often I've felt like it has wanted to break loose, but I haven't been able to let it go. It's like a shame that I've suppressed and today it just had to get out. I felt it in my chest. Now I feel like it has seen the light of day and doesn't want to be contained any longer.

Ties That Bind

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. Halloween was good. I had a great time passing out candy to the kids. I was also happily surprised to realize that my DVR was recording the Ghost Hunters marathon. I'm new to DVR and hadn't expected this. Unfortunately, it didn't associate Ghost Hunters Live with Ghost Hunters so I missed the first hour of the 7pm-2am special. I spent Saturday watching the episodes and knitting.

Saturday had it's share of bad news. My cousin was in a horrible car accident involving a deer and was apparently in a coma. I agreed to dog sit my parent's dog so that my dad could go with my mom. I would have gone with my mom but I know how much my cousin loves my dad and how much his ability to make her laugh could help her at this time of need. But they were told that since my cousin was still in a coma she couldn't have any visitors except immediate family.

Sunday brought better news. She had woken up and was responding more appropriately. She was moved to a unit where she could receive visitors. So I headed over to the folks so they could make the trip to see my cousin. She's in tough shape but she squeezed my dad's hand, which let him know that she was aware he was there.

Last night was Monday Night Craft Night. I actually cooked the meal for the group. This was a feat for me. I don't really cook, especially now when it's just me. But I've really never cooked for a group. I am happy to say that my Chicken Pesto Penne pasta was enough for seconds for some, and was all eaten by the time I left. Considering that I can't smell - my nose does not have this ability - my insecurities about burning food and fear that this inability also impacts my perception of taste (even though I don't really believe so) has prevented me from trying to cook for others. I believe it's ok for me to make something for myself that sucks, but a sense of paranoia grows in me when thinking about how others might hate my cooking. So I'm so relieved it turned out ok.

Another big accomplishment last night came by way of my first scarf. I came prepared to finish it off. It is a 75 inch knit/purl standard - no frills for this beginner. Like a little girl showing her straight A report card to her mom, I jumped at the chance to show my prize to my craft night buddies.

Rose is a skilled knitter who has been doing it since she was a child, and has been a great friend for the past 12 - 13 years. I beamed with pride and excitement as she showed me how to bind off and finish my scarf. Two stitches come together then one envelopes the other.

Two come together, then they become one. There is a thread that pulls us together.

Ready For The Ween

Tomorrow the ghouls, witches, superheroes, princesses, and freaks will be stopping by to get candy. I have been waiting for weeks.

Over the past few years, Halloween had become a favorite holiday for Jake and I. We loved seeing all the little kids dressed in their costumes. We talked about what it would be like when we had our own. When we moved into our current home, it was quickly apparent that we would have tons of trick-or-treaters when we realized the fire department had a Halloween stop right across the street from our house.

Last year was the first Halloween without Jake. I raced home from work and put on his hockey jersey. I had my decorations up and turned on the Jack-o-lantern lights and began passing out the candy with a smile on my face. I can't count how many kids made their way to my door. I sampled the candy while I waited for the foot steps on my stairs. I was doing well until a man who looked like Jake carried his 1 year-old little girl (who was dressed as a flower) to my door. I kept it together while they were there, but had to close shop right after.

This year I went out and bought more decorations. And although I still miss him terribly, I know he would be proud of how far I've come. I've already prepped the candy bowl and have my replenishing bags ready to go. I'll have my knitting on the porch to give me something to do in between batches of kids. So I'll race home from work tomorrow and put on Jake's jersey so he can pass out candy with me.

Unravel

My first foray into the kniting world is a red scarf. I figured a simple scarf would be perfect for learning and for getting the basics down. I knew I would make mistakes and would just have to deal with them. And thanks to Monday Night Craft Night with my friends, I became more than eager to make those mistakes.

Unfortunatley, I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist at times. When I made a mistake I went running to my friend like a little girl looking to her mommy to fix it. Luckily, most were easily fixed.

Then I decided to do some work on it alone at home. I did quite well for a while until I found a couple mistakes I made a few rows down. I tried to fix them as best I could, from the point at which I was. But, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make it right.

So I began to unravel the thread. Row by row, I undid all those knits that I made; some perfect, some not so great; until I was back to where it all went wrong. With a couple of twists of the needles, what was wrong became right and I continued on paying even more attention to the rest of my work.

Sometimes I wish life could be like that - you get an opportunity to go back to that one point that just went wrong and make it right. Instead, we try to fix it from the current point, but we can't. We either live with the mistake, that bad thing that happened, or we try our hardest to cover it up but it's still there waiting for something to snag it and cause it to unravel.

Happy Birthday Jake

Today was Jake's birthday. He would have been 33 years old.

I brought Arlo to the cemetery so he could leave his daddy a gift. He initiated the plot last year on Jake's birthday. It's something Jake would have gotten a kick out of. He had that type of personality.

Autumn reminds me of him. It has a little to do with our anniversary being followed four days later by his birthday, then Hockey season starting. But then it's just the pure presence of Autumn with its changing colors. Jake loved just being in nature and the leaves changing color has always seemed to be the quintessential representation of nature. Jake was at a changing point in his life when he died, and although it happened in the summer, that changing in him will therefore always leave him eternally in autumn in my mind.

I left weekly craft night early so I could cheer on his favorite hockey team - the Chicago Blackhawks. I would love to say they won just like they did last year, but unfortunately I would be lying. They managed to survive through overtime, but lost it in a shoot out. I like watching the shoot out, but don't think it should be the way a "winner" is determined.

Arlo visiting Daddy.

Maize Maze

Fall is here. The leaves are changing colors while the cool air is creeping in. One way to welcome the autumn season is to visit a farm and enjoy a corn maze. With Halloween coming, it's even better if the corn maze is haunted.

Last night, some friends from work and I visited a local farm known for its corn maze. During each weekend in October, the ghouls and freaks haunt it after dark.

Unfortunately, the majority of of the local high schools must have been running a special on discount tickets to this place. Everywhere you looked, you saw teenagers locked in embraces of young love and groups of girls singing "boy band" tunes. Apparently, there is nothing better to do on a Saturday night in this rural community. But I digress...

The maze was completely dark with only the almost full moon to light your way. A sign that it was a good fright was that although I am a good sport about things like this and was aware that hired hands would be jumping out to scare me, the three of us often formed a human chain holding on to each other's jackets and slowing down at what we perceived were ambush points. Ah, the fun and sometimes unexpected screams that came out of our throats.

What I thought was a little freaky and more scarey that the initial frights, were the masked savages that followed us. One of these I didn't realize was there until he stepped on the back of my shoe and then saw through my peripheral vision his head over my shoulder almost resting on it. Then just when we thought we had gotten to the end of the maze all too soon, we walked through a pitch black tunnel with only my cell phone to light the way and my karate kicks to clear our path, to find ourselves in the cemetary. By the end, my head hurt from all the screaming and laughing we did.

The band that greeted us at the entrance to the barn. I love me some animatronics.

Someone needs to lay off the moonshine.

The foggy enterance to the grave yard.

Dental Issues

I haven't been to the dentist in a couple of years, but the shooting pain in my teeth to the point that I can't even catch my breath told me it was time. So I dragged my butt out of bed for an 8am appointment on my day off. Take the opportunity to sleep in, nah. Not I. I live to torture myself.

My new dentist I picked from the listing of American Dental Association members in my area, and she graduated from dental school in 2002. I figure she's young and must be up on all the new things. So what does she tell me?

Apparently the stress of the past almost 13 months has caused me to grind my teeth in my sleep. I wore down my teeth so much that the Sensodine and ProEnamel Sensodine are no longer doing the trick and even one of my fillings now has to be replaced. Not just that, but now I need a Night Guard for my mouth.

She asked me if I had noticed the grinding. Considering I now sleep alone, and it's not like the animals can wake me up at night to say "Hey, shut up the noise. We're trying to sleep;" I hadn't really noticed.

I have to give her credit though, she really sold me on it by telling me I could get it in almost any color I want. I'm considering glow-in-the dark so the cats have something to play with when they wonder what the heck's on mommy's face.