Two Years - Reflecting

It has been two years since Jake died. I had hoped I would have handled today better than I am. It has quite naturally brought about reflection and a miserable wave of emotion with it.

Two years. What has transpired in two years? I have seen bleak darkness. I have had day after day of wanting to curl up and disappear into nothingness. I have been void of all existence, with the exception of the movement of a finger to change the channel on the TV remote. I have become a person I didn't recognize wondering who I was anymore.

Two years. There are people that tell you how much you matter to them. There are some who insist that you can count on them and call on them whenever you need. There are those that you believe should know how you feel and will be a support. All these people let me down. Some of them were the most hurtful, at this horrible point in our lives. I didn't hold my breath waiting on them to fulfill these promises, that they never came through on.

Two years. I found the most important people in my life. They didn't tell me all these things, they did them. From the friend and loved ones who would call my answering machine and leave me messages knowing that I might not be in the mental state to talk, but that the sound of a loving voice could help. To those that just held me, not saying a word, as I sobbed in their arms. Then there were those who would just let me talk when I felt the need, without giving me the look of "Oh God, she's going to talk about her dead husband again. How sad. I can't cope" even if that might have been how they felt. And of course amongst these are my parents - those souls that would love to protect me from all hurt, harm and danger even though they know they can't.

Two years. I went from being able to see the future - actually being able to see the faces and the details in the scenes - with this great guy that I loved, to being incomplete and dreading what the next minute would bring my way. But I began to want to live again. It's amazing the small changes that can bring a small spark into an empty soul. Furniture change in one room brought about an excitement to change more. Once another room was down, I wanted to do more. Read. I always loved to read. The book I picked up kindled an old desire to learn something new. I always loved to learn. That lead me to Craft Night with friends to learn how to knit and crochet. The joy of making something with my own hands for people I love, sparked a slow burning desire to want to be happy again. When you begin to live again, just living isn't good enough. You want to feel ALIVE. So I opened up myself to the possibility of a different future, a different life from what Jake and I had planned or what I had been spiraling down towards. Then I met Sagittarius, who makes me feel alive.

So two years have come and gone since Jake walked out that door to never return. I still think about what would life have been like if I had followed my instincts and convinced him to stay and talk with me. However, I know that I can't change anything and I have to live with that. I mourn the Jake and the me that we will never be. I can't be the person I once was. I've become a different being. Now I think about what and who this metamorphosis has lead me to, and although I have new dreams for the future, my hope is that one day I will once again be able to see this new future that begins to unfold for me.

Pleasantly busy

I've always been somewhat of an introvert. When I was a kid, I didn't have very many friends that I spent a lot of time with outside of school. That might have been due to the fact that when my friends were dressing up their Barbies to go to glamorous balls, mine had to go to work because she had a mortgage to pay and two young kids at home to feed.

I've always had a good personality and people liked being around me. But, while my parents tried to keep my brother at home more, they were actually trying to kick me out of the house. Not saying I can't have a good time at a party, or that I don't like to do things; just that my social calendar has never been what you call "full".

So, the other day when I was syncing my busy and personal calendars, I was pleasantly surprised to see the color I have designated for personal has begun to grow and sprinkle more and more days. Granted the majority of these days are weekend days, but given the stagnant stall my life had been in for a year and a half prior to meeting Sagittarius, even this is a big change.

The weekend after camping with Sagittarius, was the Fourth of July. The next weekend (this past weekend) was a barbecue for our parents to meet. I was feeling under the weather on Saturday, but still managed to get a lot done around the house to prepare. Things went well on Sunday and our parents had a great time.

Mom and Pops look so cute

Sagittarius' mom enjoyed herself and was great company

This weekend, we are going out of state to visit a friend of his.

In the midst of this, I have still been working on my knitting and crochet projects. I was so excited to finally finish the third baby blanket I had been working on, and mail it out to my friend in Pennsylvania. I used the same crochet pattern as I did with the second baby blanket, this time using Pound Of Love's pastel pink and white, and Baby Sport lavender. I weaved in a pink ribbon.



Two days later, I finished a part one of a two-part project I'm working on for Sagittarius' birthday in the winter. I won't disclose any further details so that he doesn't know what his present is before he gets it.

That same day, I finished knitting a scarf for myself. This is the second one I've done using the same pattern - Textured Scarf and Hat, found in the Fall 2008 issue of Love Of Knitting. I have started working on the hat to match.


Now I have also begun working on knitting an afghan for my father as a Christmas present. I figure I need to start early on any hand made holiday gifts to give me enough time.