Contrast Between Light And Dark

Everything has it's opposite - at least that's how the story goes.

What is Yin without Yang? Good without Evil? War without Peace? There is a balance that comes with life, a balance that will be maintained no matter how much you may try to sway things towards one way or another.

So today as I begin planning for this wonderful journey towards a new life and future with Sagittarius, I also had to remember the past. I bought flowers.

I bought flowers for a man that will never touch them, never smell them, never see them, yet somehow may know that I got them. I picked Azaleas because that's what we planted that first spring in the backyard of our new home - the home that would see our children being born and watch us grow old, children that will never exist and an "us" that only does in an alternate reality. They are not to be, because that man is no longer here.

Jake left this world three years ago today.

In the past years I took the day off from work, bought flowers, visited with him at the cemetery for some time, then came home and cried myself to sleep. However, seeing how good things have been going in my life, I thought it best to force myself to go to work and just deal. I had no idea just how hard that was going to be.

No one said anything to me to send me over the edge. It was just a constant battle to keep the emotions from coming out when I was in a meeting or talking with a colleague, to put on that smile that masks the pain within. It took more strength than I imagined to just focus, and my mind wandered so much.  So I took the time and bought the flowers, and paid a visit to the cemetery. However, I brought the flowers home to plant next to the others.

The fact of the matter is that although I am truly happy, I still mourn the man. No matter how much I love Sagittarius, I still love Jake. I always will. Sometimes there is shame that there is still a piece of me that will always belong to him, and yet a calm that comes with knowing he will always be a part of me.

Each year amongst remembering the smile on his face, his sense of humor, and his fingers as he strummed his guitar, I remember the darkness. I remember the pain of losing him, sitting in the cemetery after dark during my daily visits that didn't stop because winter came, the hurt caused by those that were supposed to be closest, the breakdowns at work, the shell of a human I became when just "being" seemed so hard to do.  With that, I see who I am and how far I have come - from the silence has come the sounds of love.

How do you grieve for one love when you have found another?  I cried.  I reflected.  I hurt.  I loved.  I bought flowers.