Two Years - Reflecting

It has been two years since Jake died. I had hoped I would have handled today better than I am. It has quite naturally brought about reflection and a miserable wave of emotion with it.

Two years. What has transpired in two years? I have seen bleak darkness. I have had day after day of wanting to curl up and disappear into nothingness. I have been void of all existence, with the exception of the movement of a finger to change the channel on the TV remote. I have become a person I didn't recognize wondering who I was anymore.

Two years. There are people that tell you how much you matter to them. There are some who insist that you can count on them and call on them whenever you need. There are those that you believe should know how you feel and will be a support. All these people let me down. Some of them were the most hurtful, at this horrible point in our lives. I didn't hold my breath waiting on them to fulfill these promises, that they never came through on.

Two years. I found the most important people in my life. They didn't tell me all these things, they did them. From the friend and loved ones who would call my answering machine and leave me messages knowing that I might not be in the mental state to talk, but that the sound of a loving voice could help. To those that just held me, not saying a word, as I sobbed in their arms. Then there were those who would just let me talk when I felt the need, without giving me the look of "Oh God, she's going to talk about her dead husband again. How sad. I can't cope" even if that might have been how they felt. And of course amongst these are my parents - those souls that would love to protect me from all hurt, harm and danger even though they know they can't.

Two years. I went from being able to see the future - actually being able to see the faces and the details in the scenes - with this great guy that I loved, to being incomplete and dreading what the next minute would bring my way. But I began to want to live again. It's amazing the small changes that can bring a small spark into an empty soul. Furniture change in one room brought about an excitement to change more. Once another room was down, I wanted to do more. Read. I always loved to read. The book I picked up kindled an old desire to learn something new. I always loved to learn. That lead me to Craft Night with friends to learn how to knit and crochet. The joy of making something with my own hands for people I love, sparked a slow burning desire to want to be happy again. When you begin to live again, just living isn't good enough. You want to feel ALIVE. So I opened up myself to the possibility of a different future, a different life from what Jake and I had planned or what I had been spiraling down towards. Then I met Sagittarius, who makes me feel alive.

So two years have come and gone since Jake walked out that door to never return. I still think about what would life have been like if I had followed my instincts and convinced him to stay and talk with me. However, I know that I can't change anything and I have to live with that. I mourn the Jake and the me that we will never be. I can't be the person I once was. I've become a different being. Now I think about what and who this metamorphosis has lead me to, and although I have new dreams for the future, my hope is that one day I will once again be able to see this new future that begins to unfold for me.